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If Anthea Turner fails, what hope do us mortals have?

PUBLISHED: 00:04 15 August 2012

It seems only yesterday that Anthea Turner and Grant Bovey cemented their love for each other by posing for pictures with a chocolate bar on their wedding day.

Nothing says: “This marriage is forever!” like elbowing the page boys and bridesmaids out of shot so that OK magazine can take a picture of you eating a Cadbury’s Snowflake for advertising purposes.

That said, if anyone wants to pay me £300k for my wedding photographs, I will (a) consider getting married (b) do whatever you like with the chocolate bar (c) not make a gigantic fuss when everyone condemns me for being distasteful.

Regardless of the strong start with the Snowflakes and the widespread condemnation, it seems that the marriage between fragrant Anthea and chillingly hirsute Grant is on the rocks. It’s all gone a bit flaky. See what I did there.

According to reports, an innocent text sent from Anthea to a family friend uncovered the fact that Mr Bovey is (allegedly) enjoying his chocolate with another woman, a 24-year-old who looks eerily like Anthea Turner in her younger day.

Frankly, if Anthea Turner isn’t enough woman to keep her man, the rest of us are doomed.

I mean yes, she looks as if she’d ask you to bleach yourself before sex and yes she looks as if she’s evolved out of the need to visit the toilet, but in all other ways, Anthea is perfect. Have you seen her fold a towel? It’s like poetry in motion.

And how could any man even consider cheating on a woman who says: “Wicker baskets are marvellous for putting things in”? They are. Marvellous. One might say that wicker baskets were almost invented “for putting things in”.

Anthea doesn’t have one laundry basket, she has three for every single colour eventuality (beige, white and taupe) – I don’t even have one laundry basket, I have a floor. She has matching shrubs framing her front door, I have mismatching wheelie bins, she uses vinegar to remove limescale from taps, I put it on my chips.

As The Perfect Housewife, Anthea has set the bar high for 24-year-old pretenders: the ability to get your feet behind your head and know all the lyrics to Example’s back catalogue is nothing in comparison to knowing 170 different ways to use bicarbonate of soda as a cleaning product.

Grant will realise all this, but it will all be too late. Anthea will have decluttered him from her life before you can say “a proper family diary with everyone’s events and parties in it really helps organise the household” and the 24-year-old will have realised that combing your paramour’s back isn’t all it’s made out to be.

She’s on the market, boys. Get your Snowflakes out.

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