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Dish the dirt and we'll let you off Rebekah LOL

PUBLISHED: 10:48 01 August 2012

Flame-haired news harpy and receiver of LOL texts from our beloved PM Rebekah Brooks has been charged with conspiring to hack the phones of more than 600 people.

Brooks, along with Cameron’s former director of communications Andy Coulson and six others – all formerly employed by the now defunct News of the World – have been charged with 19 counts of conspiracy.

Prosecutors allege that the tabloid targeted, amongst others, the murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler, 7/7 victim John Tullock, Labour cabinet ministers, Sven-Goran Eriksson, Wayne Rooney, Delia Smith, Sienna Miller and Calum Best.

I feel a bit sorry for Rebekah (well, actually I don’t, but I am always keen to turn situations to my advantage) so I am prepared to offer her a deal on the behalf of the entire nation.

I am pretty sure that we can get all these unpleasant charges dropped and speak no more of the matter if Rebekah will dish devastating, career-ending dirt on a list of targets that I have drawn up. They include:

1) David Cameron. LOL.

2) Nick Clegg (to be fair, he’s pretty much ended his own career, but we can speed things along)

3) Michael McIntyre (I just don’t like him).

4) The woman in the Garnier advertisement that uses the word “glowy” (sets my teeth on edge).

5) The Duchess of York (pointless).

6) Whoever came up with the Compare the Meercats advertising campaigns (self-explanatory).

7) And the Go Compare ones.

8) Nick Griffin (goggle-eyed bigot-jiggler).

9) Michael Gove (he has the soft, yielding mouth of a serial killer, don’t you know).

10) The Olympics (this may be difficult, but worth a shot).

There are, obviously, far more names on the list, but to show willing, if Rebekah would deal with the above first, I’d expect extreme leniency in court.

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