Does anyone in Norfolk really care if we use pounds and ounces rather than kilos?
PUBLISHED: 14:32 10 December 2019 | UPDATED: 14:32 10 December 2019
Boris Johnson has promised that if he is elected we'll be able to have a pound of apples again, instead of a kilo. But is this really an issue that matters to the people of Norfolk?
Kate Garraway has done wonders for older women during her stay in the jungle, apparently.
How grateful we are.
Apparently, thanks to her, we are to be congratulated if we are 'brave' enough to wear a red bikini and have lots of men commenting on the gravity-defying properties of our rack.
According to her friend, Carol Vorderman, a Cambridge graduate, what's important when one goes to Australia to live in the fake Bush, be covered in slime and eat bugs, is the state of one's skin.
"It's a big decision if you're a woman over the age of fifty," explained Carol. "When you're in your twenties or thirties your skin is great and everything's fine but when you're over fifty and you're in close up all the time and with no make-up, well...!"
Fortunately, Kate seems to have got away with inflicting her old skin on the nation, having made it to the last four of the contest. She has also managed to lose a stone in weight, which all the papers are congratulating her on, despite the fact that she was pretty skinny in the first place.
I can't help wishing that people were congratulating her for something clever she said while being paid large sums of money to sit around and bond with people she will never see again. But that's just me. You know. Grumpy.
I felt grumpier still when I saw in the Daily Mail at the weekend that clever Boris Johnson has also managed to get to the heart of what really matters to the British people.
No, not Brexit, or having enough to eat with food bank usuage at an all time high, or the NHS being stretched to its limits, or schools asking parents for money at every opportunity, or vets charging the earth for procedures that aren't really necessary, or insurance premiums sky rocketing and wages never going up.
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Sorry, I didn't mean to make you wait there, because of course you all know what the really issue is.
Yes, you've guessed it. A return to Imperial weights and measures.
Thanks goodness Boris has seen the light on the big one. The trauma we have all endured having to make everything divisible by 100; it's just been so hard on us all. But that's what Europe has done to us. The suffering they have put us through. The poor shopkeepers! And old ladies! It's an outrage.
Boris has vowed to 'bring back that ancient liberty' and save the metric martyrs (I'm sure you know of hundreds) from being prosecuted for selling a pound of apples. Let's forget all the investment European money has brought into the country; how it has transformed cities like Sheffield and massively improved workers' rights.
With their grammes and kilos they have absolutely ruined everything; destroyed our British identity and left us all floundering around wondering what on earth is going on.
Fortunately, once Brexit finally happens, all that will change.
No more floundering. British institutions like pubs and post offices and red pillar boxes will be saved. People will be standing up for the National Anthem. TV will cut out again at the end of the night. People will be eating picnics in laybys. And England will win the World Cup.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, thank God for Boris, who despite his incredibly privileged upbringing, never having to want for anything, has seen through all that European claptrap and reached to the very heart of our country's deepest concerns.
Only last night, my son and I made a cake and I hate to tell you this (and will probably not be writing my column next week because I will be in jail unless Boris is elected immediately), but yes, I'm afraid we did use eight ounces of flour and eight ounces of marg. Please don't tell anyone and do vote for Boris. I feel he is our only hope.*
In case anyone missed the irony, I am joking! Who you vote for is not for me to say - just make sure you pick someone who cares about what matters to you.