Women boxing in the Olympics: Ungainly, improper and your womb may fall out
For years, women were denied the right to box in the Olympics on the grounds that pre-menstrual tension made us all 'unstable'.
But this year, ladies, we can compete in the 2012 Olympics and have the same right as men to willingly open ourselves up to brain injury, pulverised noses and black eyes: hooray for equality!
Personally, I'd have to be suffering from PMT 365 days of the year to even contemplate getting into a ring and punching the bejasus out of an opponent.
And the opponent would have to be someone who I felt had properly wronged me: a snippy shop assistant, maybe, or someone who cut me up on a roundabout without raising a hand to say sorry.
I'd have thought that PMT would be an absolute bonus when you're in a boxing ring, offering you the opportunity to channel all those 'why is everyone getting at me? Why is life SO UNFAIR? Why is everything so totally and utterly WORTHLESS?' feelings into a series of mindlessly violent lobs and lunges.
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In fact, the only issues I can see being a problem are making sure your boxing matches are carefully timed to happen at the right moment during a 28-day window.
Only a few decades ago, women were banned from taking part in marathons because the powers-that-be thought their wombs would fall out (no, really) because 'of constant jarring'.
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When it was proven that wombs didn't fall out – although I'm fairly sure that if I ran a marathon mine would, along with my liver, lungs, heart and toenails – women were given the green light to compete, although it took until 1984 until they could participate in the marathon at the Olympics.
In 1896, Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympics, described the concept of women participating in the games as: 'impractical, uninteresting, ungainly and improper' (I wonder if he had access to a time machine and had watched me taking part in PE lessons at school).
In the true spirit of the Olympics, I will be honouring Coubertin by not even watching the games in case it makes me ungainly or improper. It's what he would have wanted.