Will you vow to live a life of complete intolerance? I will...

It's always lovely to see a pair of really horrific people marry before embarking on a life of bitter spite together: it means there's two less idiots for the rest of us to mistakenly fall for.

The Coalition for Marriage, the campaign which opposes giving gay couples an equal right to marry, recruited a newly-wed couple to deliver their petition to Downing Street last week. Nothing marks the beginning of a whole new life like complete intolerance and homophobia – it's as essential as a wedding list including a tumble drier and a row about where to seat Uncle Perry bearing in mind his recent court case.

Rhys and Esther Curnow, both 23, appeared in formal wedding outfits to deliver boxes of names on behalf of the campaign to stop government plans to allow gay couples to marry.

It is proven fact that if gay people are allowed to marry, the human race will be consigned to Satan's fiery lake as the playthings of the Dark Lord's cloven-hoofed minions within 30 days. It's indisputable because, as the rocketing divorce figures illustrate, marriage is a completely sacred union.

Rhys and Esther, I couldn't give a monkey's what you think about gay marriage, but I do care if you think your opinion should stand in the way of equality. Just do one and go and spend your Argos vouchers while muttering to yourself about family values and institutions and all the other ridiculous arguments that halfwits use to try and justify prejudice.

More than 70pc of the population are in favour of gay couples being able to marry – it's still 30pc too few of us, but without a few idiots to compare ourselves to, we wouldn't feel the benefit of being enlightened.