Why buy cheap stuff from expensive designer Karl Lagerfeld?

I'm struggling to think of anything I'd be interested enough to queue for without certain knowledge that at the end of my wait, there'd be guaranteed success.

What I do know, however, is that I'd rather bathe in a vat of angry termites than crawl out of bed at the crack of dawn to join a queue to buy some hideous clothes designed by a man whose ideal woman has the figure of an eight-year-old boy.

Karl Lagerfeld, a man who dresses so terribly that I'm sure I'm missing some kind of desperately retro-chic in-joke, has designed a range of 'cut-price' clothes as a spin-off from his ranges of hideously expensive, ludicrously extravagant clothes for halfwits with more money than sense.

The 'rock-inspired' range of leather collars, sparkly dresses, silver shoes and white shirts was launched simultaneously in London, New York, Paris and Berlin and caused such a stir that security guards had to be called in to control hoards of shoppers keen to snap up a bargain – a jacket, say, for a mere �980.

Everything in the collection looks eerily like a cruise liner singer's wardrobe from the 1980s kicked through Elton John's Rocket Man days or the costumes for a T'Pau video set on the worst market stall in the history of forever. It single-handedly justifies my decision to eschew fashion and any interest in clothes entirely: it is gaudy, classless, unflattering and spectacularly over-priced. I don't like it – perhaps you can tell.

'It's my today's taste and style and a reflection of how I think a great number of people would like to be dressed now,' said Lagerfeld, who has – and I cannot stress this strongly enough – A PONYTAIL.

'I just want not-too-expensive clothes that people may like and perhaps want to wear.'

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Just to clarify, most of the collection costs about �500, which is twice the price I paid for my first car and elements of it include fake snakeskin jackets, backless dresses and hooded sweatshirts with PVC sleeves: you know, the kind of stuff that's left over after a jumble sale.

Natalie Massenet, Net-A-Porter's founder, breathlessly told Vogue: 'From the moment we saw the collection we were hooked. The collection will speak to every woman.'

Yes. And I know precisely what it's saying.

I despair at this lemming-like compulsion to own something cheap that someone famous for designing astronomically-expensive rubbish is flogging. It's like buying a Ferrari keyring or BMW toilet roll – or taking a man over the age of 15 with a ponytail seriously. You just shouldn't.