Money can’t buy you love, but a 7p Asda Valentine’s Card card can buy you bitterness
Money can't buy you love – never has this phrase been so apt than when browsing the Valentine's Day section at Asda.
There, not only can money not buy you love, it probably can't even buy you anything more than a withering glare, your worldly possessions on the drive and your marching orders.
I am not a rampant materialist. If money is too tight to mention, be inventive.
Cut your loved one's morning toast into heart shapes. Run them a bath. Give them the Findus Crispy Pancake that hasn't exploded in the oven. Carve their initials into your desk with a plastic set square. Reassure them that you know it's never happened to them before and it's OK, you can just kiss and cuddle.
Just don't get them a 7p Valentine's Day card featuring a heart with the Asda 'Smart Price' logo on the cover and the message: 'My Love For You Is Priceless!' inside.
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I know how it feels to be disappointed on Valentine's Day: I was once given a spice rack and a whisk in the shape of an octopus. I was once given tickets for a cricket match. I was once given a leopardskin basque. I was once given food poisoning.
It is often said, generally by people whose wallets only open very rarely, that Valentine's Day is over-commercialised and that true love shouldn't be pinned down to a single day on the calendar.
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As far as I'm concerned, it hasn't been commercialised nearly enough.
If it had, I'd have something to show for it – and not just a spicy omelette, a blazing row, a trip to get a refund and a night spent with my chin propped on a toilet bowl.