Intelligence is absolutely no excuse for abuse

Intelligent women, eh? Can't live with them, can't smack them about without getting stick from the sisterhood – what's a man to do?

Cretinous, Mockney, third-rate thespian Dennis Waterman revealed to Piers Morgan in an interview that he used to hit his ex-wife Rula Lenska because she was cleverer than him.

'The problem with strong, intelligent women is that they can argue – well,' he said. 'And if there is a time where you can't get a word in… and I …I lashed out. I couldn't end the argument. If a woman is a bit of a power freak and determined to put you down, and if you're not bright enough to do it with words, it can happen.'

Just in case you need clarification, Waterman points out: 'She certainly wasn't a beaten wife, she was hit and that's different. It's not difficult for a woman to make a man hit her.'

Phew. For a moment there, I thought Dennis Waterman was a total and complete idiot, but it turns out that he didn't beat his ex-wife, he only hit her. Several times. There's a world of difference.

To be fair to dear old Dennis, not every man can love a strong, intelligent woman, especially if the man in question is an egotistical, competitive, point-scoring, inadequate control freak desperate to always be in charge (it's what us woman all look for in a man: someone who loves us for being thicker than them).

Don't get me wrong – I may be an Alpha female, but I love a bit of Alpha male: all that door opening and chivalry and assertiveness is pretty sexy – but if they argued with me, I'd rather slam my fingers in a white-hot oven than back down if I thought I was in the right.

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To be fair, I normally circumnavigate the whole argument issue by not arguing at all.

I have never, ever lost my temper (I realise this is tempting fate) and find it strange that other people do: it looks like it takes so much effort to conclusively lose it, and frankly, I haven't got the energy – if I so much as raise my voice I need a lie-down afterwards.

One day, it is inevitable that I am going to blow. Years of suppressed rage will bubble to the surface like lava and I will ignite, taking out any by-standers within a 100m radius. I still won't hit anyone, though.

I have, in the past, had ill-advised relationships with people I could outwit after 48 hours without sleep and only alcohol as sustenance, but they have always been short-lived and desperately dull.

As one of those tiresome women with all the book learning, chipped nail varnish and attitude, I simply can't sign up to a relationship where any kind of power struggle is on the cards.

More to the point, I can't pretend to be dimmer than I am just to please a man. Sorry, Dennis.

It all reminds me of a depressing survey I read a few years ago which revealed that most men found funny women a turn-off because 'men see being funny as a male thing'.

Hundreds of men and women were questioned about the importance of a sense of humour: women overwhelmingly said that a funny man was attractive, men overwhelmingly said that a funny woman was 'threatening'.

I hope you ladies out there are keeping up (if you're struggling, ask a nice man to explain it to you): it's important that you're not too clever, not too strong and not too funny or men won't find you attractive and they may feel justified in rearranging your face. And it'll have all been your fault.

Not for one moment am I justifying the actions of a cockroach like Waterman, who is clearly suffering from short-man, small brain syndrome, and I know that there are Neanderthals that expect their woman to know her place, but to be entirely fair, I've never been involved with any of them.

Even the dimmer lightbulbs I've turned on haven't reacted to the fact that they couldn't beat me at Scrabble by giving me a swift left-hook.

The very worst I've ever encountered is a man who said he couldn't cope with not being 'the cleverer one' – which made our parting far easier to cope with than if, for example, he'd run off with my flatmate who swiftly turned out to be a lesbian (he did this: but only because he was thicker than me and hadn't spotted the signs, such as her finding women more attractive than men).

Men who see intelligent women as encroaching on their traditional male territory aren't the kind of men I want to invite to my private chambers for some hot alpha action.

I am all about equal opportunities: after all, I wouldn't be remotely threatened by a man who could cook or clean better than me: quite the opposite in fact.