Demi Moore’s divorce from Ashton Kutcher is no surprise

It seems that Demi Moore really didn't appreciate Ashton Kutcher's anniversary present (sleeping with another woman in a hot tub) and has filed for divorce.

She said: 'As a woman, a mother and a wife, there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.'

The pair had held 'crisis Kabbalah campfire talks' with counsellors several weeks ago in a bid to iron out their differences – he's 33 and likes having sex with 23-year-olds and she's 49 and likes to have sex with 33-year-olds.

Astonishingly, mumbo jumbo from red-string bracelet wearing charlatans and a pile of burning logs did nothing to repair the couple's rift.

Perhaps if Demi had sewn Ashton's eyes shut with the red string it might have worked.

In response, to Demi's statement, Ashton posted the following message online: 'I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK.'

There's a career for him waiting in the wings writing gift card ditties for Hallmark.

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PS I think I might start prefacing anything I say with: 'As a woman, a mother and a slattern living in sin…' it adds a certain gravitas to a statement, doesn't it? Now, as a woman, a mother and a slattern living in sin I am going to do the washing up.

•This article was original published on November 21, 2011