Contraceptive pill turned me into a monster

It's just my luck: the contraceptive pill, which I am unable to take on the grounds that it transforms me into a cross between a werewolf and Alan Sugar, may stop women contracting all manner of horrible cancers.

The pill, which has been a source of controversy since it was introduced in the 1960s, can cut an individual's risk of cancer of any kind by up to 12pc if it has been taken for less than eight years. When I took the pill for around five months, it made me fatter, aggressive and completely mental, a bit like Michael Carroll, albeit with considerably smaller breasts. From being a peace-loving vegetarian with an in-built terror of confrontation and raised voices, I became as even-tempered as a Jeremy Kyle guest awaiting DNA test results which prove their husband is the father of their sister's twins.

My terrifying mood swings, of course, proved to have contraceptive qualities of their own.

My bloodlust was frankly overwhelming, and led to the kind of dreams that Stephen King writes down and makes millions out of.

In addition to the monstrous side-effects, I was also becoming jaded with conversations with my doctor about pills with increasingly ridiculous names such as Femodene, Dianette, Marvellete, Ovranette and Femodette.

There is a belief amongst pharmaceutical companies that women won't address any form of feminine health issue unless you dress it up in Barbie language. Sanitary towels become Cupid's pillows, tampons are fairy marshmallows, contraceptive pills sound like a role call of posh Jemimas from a Swiss Finishing School.

Anyway, as my general insanity and hatred for mankind grew, I realised that it might be time to look for other forms of contraception on the grounds that I was swiftly transforming into a hormonal time bomb with the sunny nature of Attila the Hun.

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Unsurprisingly (and yet surprisingly), it was around this time that I had my children (it turns out that doing it standing up, crossing your fingers or drinking so much vodka that you've forgotten you did it in the first place are not reliable forms of contraception after all).

PS There are other surveys that say contraceptive pills actually increase the risk of cancer. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. God speed the advent of the male pill.