An old friend came to visit last week.

She, like many of you who read this column, is struggling with changes brought about by her partner’s chronic illness.

As is the case with all sorts of similar conditions that rear their heads as we get older, this is unlikely to kill him.

But it has  diminished how they live their lives.     

When we’re younger, we look forward to a time when we can retire, see more of our spouse, do some travelling, get increasingly involved with families including grandchildren, and have time for our friends.

And plenty of couples are lucky enough to enjoy their older age along those lines.

But alas, not everyone is fortunate, and by this stage in life, we all know that such plans can fly out of the window because of circumstances beyond our control.

There are, it has to be said, very many folk of a certain age, living depleted existences behind closed doors.

We’re not always aware of how difficult their situation is, even within our own social network, because very often they plough on with it in a private and dignified way.  

But what I want to say today is that if you’re living with someone who is ill, I think it’s important for you to keep your own life and routine as normal as possible.

I’ve often heard people describing what they might get up to “afterwards”, and how they will spend time with friends, go to interesting places, and take up new hobbies. But should you wait till then?

Even terminal illnesses can continue for years. And many chronic conditions can be managed so well, they go on for decades.

So, if you live in a kind of limbo, waiting for things to change before you pursue various ambitions, you may find yourself living that way for ages. And the carer in the situation can feel worn out and literally lose the will to live, sometimes even predeceasing the “ill” partner.   

 I know this isn’t a palatable topic. But I believe we need to face up to it

A former colleague of mine grew increasingly frail once he hit 60 and had all manner of things wrong with him. His wife on the other hand, seemed fit and well, was a very capable and good woman, and looked after him wonderfully.

Unfortunately, out of nowhere, she became terminally ill herself. Luckily, this couple were able to talk about everything – and she put him in touch with a number of her women friends in the hope that they might offer him support and companionship when she was gone. If only we were all this open and organised.

But much depends upon communication, doesn’t it?

This couple were good at discussing their situation. However, I’ve known plenty of individuals who have felt so ill, or depressed, or isolated, or frightened that they have refused to speak of it even with a loving spouse. Instead, they have turned in on themselves and their whole personality has altered. While I admit it’s their life and that they have the right to deal with their situation in their own way, this attitude causes big problems for partners.  

If this is happening in your home, and you’re looking after someone who is in denial about their illness or simply not prepared to talk about it, what can you do?

Basically, you need people – friends or relatives – around you whom you can trust with your frustrations, sadness and other innermost feelings. Ideally, see each other in person if you can, but even being in touch on a screen or by phone is beneficial. This is the time to reach out for others who will listen and be aware of your needs.

I also suggest that you take the opportunity at least once a week to have time for you, even if it means asking your children or a good mate to be with your partner. Frankly, if you don’t take care of yourself in this way your own health may suffer.

When my husband was ill over a period of two years, I arranged care for him every Thursday and left the house and went to the theatre or a film, exercised, or had lunch with friends. I sometimes felt guilty for wanting and needing that time, but I know I was healthier for having it.

And probably had more energy for my husband because of it.

The friend I told you about earlier, gave up her job when her partner was diagnosed but recently, she has gone back to it, albeit part-time.

She came to believe she needed to do something that would help her feel more like her real self. 

 And that’s the point, isn’t it? It’s vital that you don’t lose sight of who and what you are. If you do, you may find that by the time you have some freedom again, you’ve forgotten how to enjoy it.

So, because “afterwards” is a somewhat vague concept, do try to live a little more right now. It will help you deal with the difficulties you’re facing.