The burgeoning movement dedicated to bringing home rule to Norfolk before the Canaries soar into Europe has been urged to scour all cupboards for skeletons as battle lines are  drawn for our forthcoming general election.

Rocked by an expenses scandal a few years ago which saw three front-benchers banished to spend more time with their brokers, the Norfolk Independence Party wants to avoid any more serious embarrassments on the road to a higher profile.

Leader Kirby Cane and his deputy Lt Col Stratton Strawless, also defence spokesman who still favours a Norfolk Home Guard rather then a South-East Rapid Reaction Force independent of NATO, are taking to the hustings with a campaign called “Laissez-Faire … but less affairs.”

This bilingual approach, claims Kirby Cane, presents a serious issue in a light-hearted way, the sort of traditional Norfolk  approach he hopes can puncture Westminster hypocrisy and cant.

“Naturally, we want all our candidates  to make a clean breast of any little indiscretions when thy seek nomination. That gives them the right to ask local party officials what they got up to at the back of the school bike shed or behind the marquee at the grand summer ball of 1995.

“What sets our movement apart from the rest is that we know each other intimately. That means there’s precious little chance of pulling wool over our eyes or seeking unfair advantage when top  jobs become available” emphasises the Nips leader.

Lt Col Stratton Strawless adds playfully: “Most of our members can't spell ‘misogyny’ or pronounce ‘Neanderthal.’ But they do know how to take ‘inbred’ as a supreme compliment.”

The Nips moanifesto for our forthcoming general election will include a pledge on all-short women lists following remarkable revelations in the wake of that expenses scandal.

After an independent probe by standards watchdog Sir Barton Bendish, front bench trio Stan Hoe (agriculture), Wal Cott (sea defences) and Doc King (health)  were encouraged to step down despite pledges to pay back, reform and police themselves.

All three stand well over 6ft, a fact which prompted the leak-happy Diddlington Telegraph to label them “The Tall Story Triumvirate” as they tried to justify extravagant expenses claims.

Party managers were quick to make capital out of a testing situation when diminutive female members were elevated to fill the gaps - Win Farthing (4ft 9ins), Hether Sett (4ft 10ins) and Bess Ingham (4ft 11ins).

Inevitably, tabloid headlines such as 'Kirby Cane Sugar Babes' and 'Mini Mawthers on the March' greeted this big shake-up but a Nips spokesman denied Ivy Todd (6ft 3 ins) had been overlooked simply because she peaked too early.

A weak joke about “nipotism” on Newsnight did suggest the metropolitan media circus will be looking beyond Swaffham and Stoke Ferry before long.

Rumours that former party think tank organiser Albert Russ, currently a taxi driver in Greenwich, wants to return to front-line Norfolk politics have been dismissed by general secretary Ched Grave. 

“There’s no way this party with a Cromer crab as its symbol and the golden shores of independence as its goal wants an Albert Russ around its neck” he insisted.

Elder statesman Lord Burston (public conveniences), Maj Blo’ Norton (wind turbine development), Col Kirk (closer ties with Scotland) and Dick le Burgh (ambassador to Southwold), are seeking grass-roots support for efforts to restore rural district councils and so win extra powers for parish councils.

“This is where true democracy starts with  good old set-to in the village hall. Brockdish is just as important as Brussels” stressed Lord Burston.

Nips have issued a glossary of useful words likely to be most prominent in the coming months.

Supporters are warned to make sure they know the difference between election, selection, reselection, deselection, rejection, deception, defection, direction and centrally appointed candidate.

“Our party headquarters are in the middle of communities they sim to serve. Our candidates will be truly local., born and raised in the constituency they want to represent. Our ambitions are geared to a way of life we want to protect,” declared Hether Sett from her soapbox last night.

“We’ve had enough of politics of the mobile phone era – all preening, posing and prattling with nothing of substance at the end of it. We want loud, honest voices on a platform of proper values,” thundered Win Farthing from the back of a parked tumbrel.

“We must dig deep for victory, starting with revival of the four-course crop rotation. That’ll larn them lot in London we have more than turnips on  our menu!” chortled Bess Ingham from the top of an allotment shed.

“How I wish I could shrink like the economy!” pined Ivy Todd