Lizzie, a woman I know who was widowed a couple of years ago, has been having a bad time for the past few months and one day she asked me rather a tough question, which was: “Why is it that when I have to deal with difficult situations, my confidence flies out of the window and all I can think is that I’m just not up to it?”

Lizzie is moving house. which is stressful at the best of times, but hugely challenging for someone still grieving and downsizing from the family home to a much smaller property. So, we discussed her feelings, and I tried to reassure her that it was natural in her circumstances to be finding all this very tough indeed.

Somehow though, I got the feeling I wasn’t helping much. Then it occurred to me that the phrase she’d used, “just not up to it”, might have particular significance. And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed likely that she was quoting words said to her in the past, possibly by a parent.

My hunch turned out to be correct and gradually Lizzie unburdened herself about her childhood with a demanding and disapproving mother whom she could never please, no matter how hard she tried.   

Thank heavens, in her 20s, she met and married a lovely man, had a family and was very happy, but now that she’s alone again, it’s her late mother’s querulous and critical voice she hears in her head whenever she’s tackling problems.

In my years as a therapist, I’ve seen far too many damaged adults like Lizzie – people who were sad, fearful and lacking in self-esteem because they’d never felt good enough at home and had been plagued by constant comments about how useless, or difficult, or inept they were.  

The men I saw often had successful fathers and felt a failure because they were always being reminded what a disappointment they were because they were not as driven, intelligent or sporty as dad.

Women too suffered because of their father’s expectations, but often it was their mothers who berated them most for being clumsy, stupid, unattractive or even unlovable. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally, but these individuals had been badly short-changed and had endured years of misery.  

Alas, no one can change the past. But the good news is that we can alter how we think about it. And that’s what I worked on with clients. We looked together at what they’d been told as children, and explored whether there was truth in it, and also whether or not it was appropriate for them to have been treated in such a harmful way.

If you are someone trapped in a cycle of negative beliefs which trip you up at important moments, you might want to try to get this kind of perspective on your past too. Just allow yourself to recall the words or phrases used against you all those years ago, and then question whether there was any evidence for them.   

Now, I don’t suppose for a minute you were perfect. No one is. But remember, you were just a child finding your way, and doing your best, despite feeling unhappy and misunderstood, or disliked.

Ask yourself too if you deserved the treatment that you suffered? Was it helpful? Character-forming? Would you behave in this way with your children or grandchildren?

Then think about individuals in your life who have liked, loved and encouraged you. Did they, or do they, hold the same views about you as the critical person? Who do you trust more?

I’m pretty sure you will come to see that most of your so-called faults were not serious and that you were treated very badly. And from there, you should be able to make a decision that you will no longer allow yourself to be haunted by someone’s criticisms of you when this person was totally undeserving of your love, admiration or respect.  

Lizzie did a lot of thinking about her mother; the person who had dominated her thoughts and caused such pain. She summed up her feelings by saying: “My mother was a beautiful woman, and part of me still loves her, I suppose, but she was a dreadful parent and deeply flawed and selfish. I know now I didn’t deserve what she did to me. So, I’m going to stop believing what she told me. And I’m going to build my confidence, and trust in my own abilities”.

Altering your mindset in this way won’t happen overnight but it’s never too late to consign to the dustbin of history all those criticisms of you that were unjust, unkind, unfair and untrue. When you do that, many of your long-held negative beliefs about yourself will lose their power over you, and your life should run more smoothly.   

Have a go. You owe it to yourself.