Why Harry is the mother of all targets for any cougar
I’m not cut out to be a cougar – for a start I don’t understand texts from anyone under the age of 20, secondly I’m allergic to Facebook and thirdly I made a pact many years ago never to be naked in front of someone who wasn’t grateful.
RIP Dad, I hope I would’ve made you proud
This week marks a somewhat difficult landmark – on Thursday, I’ve officially lived longer without a father than I have with one.
Why it’s the mother of all birthdays for my children
There’s extremely bad news for my children this year: Mother’s Day falls on my birthday and I’ve made it very clear that any kind of ‘joint gift’ will lead to me downing tools for at least a week.
Being an Oscar winner isn’t always good news at home
Hooray for Daniel Day-Lewis and his third Oscar, but the person I think deserves some kind of award is the man’s poor wife, who has to cope with his tiresome method acting and dedication to his ‘craft’.
Oh baby, this can’t work
The Daily Mail’s Random Controversial Article Generator gifted us a chunk of gold this week as former Apprentice contestant Katie Hopkins cheerfully revealed she won’t let her children play with friends she deems “beneath” them.
Goodbucks are a bad sign for state of your relationship
I’m not sure about you, but if my beloved suddenly started to score my behaviour on his smart phone and dole out ‘tasks and rewards’ based on how good I’d been, I’d assume he was having some form of psychiatric breakdown.
Making a meal of serving up bad dinners
According to a recent survey, British mums are fighting back against the breakdown of traditional family dinner times with nine out of 10 making a meal from scratch every night – dear Lord, those researchers are easy to fool.
Packed lunches – cruel to children or parents?
Childhood obesity will soon be history as Michael Gove unveils a great new plan to teach children how to cook – it is, after all, a known fact that no one who is obese can cook.
It’s enough to make you weep
According to new research, women spend an average of 16 months in their lifetime crying – it’s such a waste of time, it makes you weep.
Well done Delia for keeping it real
Delia Smith has bowed out of television cookery shows claiming to be “reciped out” and unwilling to present the lifestyle-driven programmes that today’s armchair amateur chefs appear to clamour for.
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, but it’s not another U2 album
If world hunger could be solved by relentless self-publicity and rampant egotism, Bono could have single-handedly fed the world and left Africa facing an obesity epidemic years ago.
‘Going green’ has turned me into a bag lady
According to Friends of the Earth, every household has around 80 plastic bags – including Bags for Life – in their possession.
Carnage and cake was on my menu at the children’s parties from hell
In my day, the only thing you took away from a birthday party was a slice of cake if you were lucky and a case of food poisoning if you weren’t.
As far as I’m concerned, candles are heaven scent
Despite being – in most ways – completely rubbish at being a woman (no interest in handbags, shoes, fashion or Sex and the City) I do like a nice candle.
Here’s proof that God really does move in mysterious ways
Best “God told me to do it” of the week goes to ‘Rampant Rabbi’ (brilliant) Philip Sharp, who appeared on This Morning to reveal his addiction to wives.
Women look their oldest on a Wednesday afternoon
It was 4.30pm on Wednesday when I read the news that a survey has revealed women look their oldest at precisely 3.30pm on, er, a Wednesday.
Tory MP Claire Perry has got it wrong... I’d never want to read my teenage daughter’s texts
I often wonder what life as a teenager would have been like with today’s technology – when I was young we didn’t send texts, we wrote letters.
Blame the wife Nick, how very noble of you
The couple have already checked out several schools, including a £30,000-a-year independent school, despite the fact that even Call Me Dave has insisted his daughter Nancy will go to a state school.
Looking to the past in a bid to solve problems of the present
It seems that as we all slowly realise that modern life is rubbish we seek answers in the past.
Big breasts and brains go together
There’s some splendid news for the amply-chested woman this week – research claims that ladies with big breasts have an IQ which is, on average, 10 points higher than their smaller-chested sisters.
Weather woes provide a stark reminder of how robotic we’ve become
Having been up that London for the weekend – where the golden pavements were conspicuously snow-free – I returned to Norwich on Tuesday evening and stumbled straight into Snowmageddon.
Fish puns? I’m a dab hand
Spraying an adoring crowd with Champagne simply isn’t impressive enough these days – if you want to celebrate properly, you need to be carrying a very large fish.
Pitching the public against the poor isn’t a laughing matter
Nothing says “we’re all in this together” like a mob of laughing millionaires preparing to squeeze the country’s struggling poor into an even tighter corner.
Don’t make a song and dance of your divorce
My Nanna once told me that “no man wants second-hand goods” and that therefore I should get married as quickly as possible in order to avoid the horror of being “left on the shelf”.
FSA labels would be a fat lot of use
Major food giants have announced they will be retaining their current food labelling system in a move which sees them sidestepping the Food Standard Agency’s official campaign for “traffic light” labelling.
It’s all gone to pot pourri for friend after divorce
You know your friend is taking her divorce badly when she starts “crafting”.
Christmas is over... now the countdown to misery can begin
The children have shunned my ‘anti-advent calendar’ counting down the days until January 21, officially the most miserable day of the year, even though I pointed out that the anti-depressants within would soon become far more moreish than chocolate.
So long to 2012 and thanks for all those great insults
It wouldn’t be the end of the year unless I compiled for you my annual list of “best insults from readers” – think of it like one of those Channel 4 compilation programmes but without the adverts or soundbites from Paul Ross.
On the eve of an end to enforced joy at last
It’s the most hotly anticipated New Year’s Eve since this time last year and I have no doubt whatsoever that it will deliver exactly the same levels of excitement and joy – in other words, none.
I resolve to be even smarmier in 2013 after my smug 2012
For the first time ever, I can be somewhat smug about the resolutions I made for 2012.
What’s wrong with a little bit of failure?
Several years ago, the Professional Association of Teachers suggested that the word ‘failure’ was a dirty word and should be replaced with ‘deferred success’.
Perhaps it’s your acting that’s the problem, Demi
Demi Moore has had a rough couple of years, what with losing the younger husband, a stint in rehab, the rumours that Rumer and the other kids have considered taking out a restraining order against her and the lack of film roles.
See you after Christmas… have a merry one!
Having forgotten to take any holiday until the latter part of the year (three weeks leave in winter: that was good planning) I fear I won’t be here next week.
Why money matters to most of us
Nearly one in three of us are in debt because our salary isn’t enough to live on and only 20pc of us stick to a budget and don’t overspend each month.
Imagine a world where your children don’t need real friends
Around 25pc of children aged four to 11 have an imaginary companion, an invisible friend or “one embodied in a toy or stuffed animal”.
More wise words from screen star Gwyneth Paltrow
This week, the Patron Saint of Stupid Ideas and Pretentious Narcissism has been holding court about the fact that modern women can’t “have it all”.
A political jungle for MP
The fact that I am taking my longest holiday since 2000 at precisely the same time that I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here begins on ITV1 is, I promise you, entirely coincidental.
Getting a tattoo is one direction I would advise against taking
Harry Styles from One Direction (this is my transparent bid to bring in hits when this column goes online) has had a terrible new tattoo which looks like a rude word.
Only 193 text messages a week? ROFL, that’s nothing!
It’s always nice when you can boast that your offspring is an over-achiever.
Why Kylie and Jason at Yarmouth waxworks are really especially for me
The waxworks housed by the museum are endearingly ludicrous – a true testament to the skill of our fabulous Norfolk craftsmen, the jewel in Yarmouth’s plastic tiara.
What a big shock! The things that attract men
Pointless university research of the week (this may become a mainstay of my column, there’s certainly never a lack of it): scientists at Manchester University have revealed that men are attracted to women with impressive cleavages, who wear red lipstick and have a tan. I know. Shocking.
Storming ideas for some fresh names for future hurricanes
I’ve always been dismayed at the lack of thought put into naming hurricanes. Bob, Andrew, Emily, Dennis, Irene, Maria, Sandy – they sound like kindly uncles and aunts who bounce you on their knees and give you Werther’s Originals and Fanta rather than ‘Frankenstorms’ which rip your roof off and leave you in a river of your own slurry.
Dying with dignity must not rest on charity alone
Brilliant news for Gorleston this week after the announcement that a support centre for people with life-limiting or progressive illnesses will shortly open its doors for business.
Children too big to fit behind a school desk? Whatever next!
Schoolchildren have devised a cunning new way to skive lessons: by becoming too fat to fit under their desks.
If this music be the food of love, I think I’d rather starve
More important research from academics: what’s on your music playlist is as important as your physique when it comes to impressing the object of your affection.
The happiest years of our lives: 9 and 68
The happiest years of our lives, apparently, are very specific: they happen when we’re nine and once again when we’re 68: that’s a 59-year yawning gap of misery to look forward to between good times.
Love-struck Jesse Metcalfe wears his heart on his sleeve
I’m kicking myself that I’ve never tried to win back an ex by having a picture of them naked, posing in front of a rising sun, tattooed all over my arm.
The problem with OAP airbags
These airbags for pensioners – I think I’ve found a flaw.
He’s single, ladies!
If a man suggests that writing down all your previous sexual partners in a notebook to help him “deal” with your past is a good idea, I don’t think it’s outrageous to assume that he’s probably not a keeper.
I’m off for a double celebration but don’t worry, your best woman will be back
I am deserting you again next week thanks to a packed schedule which sees me celebrating my mum’s birthday and acting as best woman to one of my oldest friends as he ties the knot.
Norfolk puma attacks aliens... now I’ve got you interested
As custodian of the Evening News’ Twitter feed, I can confidently report that online readers like nothing more than stories about possible alien sightings and the Norfolk puma.
Don’t call me an unfunny, flat-haired, pretentious pleb
In an alleged torrent of four-letter words, it was the word you could use in front of your puritanical grandmother that caused the most offence: pleb.
Driven mad by Madonna
Scientists have identified the musical devices used by songwriters that bring listeners to tears – I could have saved them the bother: it’s when your neighbour goes away for the weekend leaving a Madonna CD on repeat-play.
Fancy that! Brits dress up to forget the recession
Fancy dress shops are bucking the economic downturn as we plucky Brits battle the recession by dressing up as a pirate, a tarty nurse or a giant rabbit: take that George Osborne.
I’m discovering the joys of turning into my mother
When I was a teenager, I used to die inside when my mum insisted on making complaints about shoddy service or goods when I was in eye or earshot.
Mr Atkinson, your abortion letters are an abomination
The term ‘pro-life’ has always bothered me, suggesting as it does that those of us who think women should have the right to abortion are somehow pro-death monsters.
Promotions ‘like porn’ to supermarket shoppers
According to new research, shoppers who see special offers on their favourite products in the supermarket react as if they were watching pornography.
Sorry Robbie, money does make you happy
It’s been revealed that the key to happiness involves earning between £50,000 and £100,000 per year.
The pop guide to how to show one’s disapproval
Cher Lloyd was forced to cut short her set at V Festival after a bottle of urine was hurled at her as she performed, saying: “It’s hard enough being up here, but it’s not nice having bottles of p**s chucked at you” – quite.
It’s right to feel waspish about this threat to family attractions
During the summer holidays, we have made our annual pilgrimages to several of Norfolk’s premier family attractions: you know, the ones that are full of wasps.
Was there no-one to guard naked Prince Harry’s Royal body?
When I heard the news that Prince “Flash” Harry had been captured in a set of “shocking” photographs, I assumed they’d show him actually doing a day’s work or visiting a library.
15 years on, I’m ready to admit Norwich doesn’t have a Waterworld
I was trawling through our library system the other day when I came across a front page I wrote in 1997 about the proposed Riverside swimming pool.
I’ve seen enough of Paul McCartney
You get the distinct feeling that, in the advent of Armageddon, as the four riders of the apocalypse hove into view and fiery lakes gather to consume the earth, Paul McCartney will be sitting at a piano singing bloody Hey Jude.
If Anthea Turner fails, what hope do us mortals have?
It seems only yesterday that Anthea Turner and Grant Bovey cemented their love for each other by posing for pictures with a chocolate bar on their wedding day.
Happiness is… being a retired Scottish lawyer
The results are in, and it appears that the happiest people in Britain live in remote areas of Scotland, work as doctors or lawyers and are married women over the age of 65 who own their own homes.
Dish the dirt and we’ll let you off Rebekah LOL
Flame-haired news harpy and receiver of LOL texts from our beloved PM Rebekah Brooks has been charged with conspiring to hack the phones of more than 600 people.
I’ll be back in a fortnight... I’m off to try to stop World War Three
Summer holidays, eh? What unbridled joy it is to have the children at home so that we can create the precious summer memories that will last us all a lifetime.
It’s one more victory for church standards
A few years ago, I visited the grave of First World War soldier and poet Wilfred Owen who died in action just days before Armistice Day.
There’s really nothing you’d put on my answerphone that I want to hear
I used to spend my life talking on the phone to the point where my parents installed an actual, physical lock on the telephone.
Gove mouths off... and facts are dinosaurs
Michael Gove is never high in my estimation, not least because he has the soft, yielding mouth of a serial killer (I’m not saying he is one, although he might be).
Ah! Those blank weeks stretch out before me
If you have more than one child, you will swiftly realise that you have gifted yourself a lifetime of competition as both kids fight to win the title of “most-wronged child in the household”.
If you’re daft enough to pay $45,000 on drink...
My rule of thumb is that any alcoholic beverage that comes attached to a 30-minute lecture about aromas and audacity and top notes isn’t one I want to drink.
As I raise my ‘spittle shield’, I sense the Chinese had a point
They may have constructed an Olympic stadium which looked like a three-year-old’s scribble, but when it came to spitting in the street, I was right behind the Chinese (wearing goggles and my patented ‘spittle shield’ I developed for Gentleman’s Walk).
We’ve found the ‘God particle’, but no mermaids
In the same week that scientists hailed the possible discovery of the ‘God particle’, the American government has been forced to issue a statement reassuring people that mermaids and zombies don’t exist – if that’s not a conclusive victory for science, I’m not sure what is.
Olympic Torch route worry is verging on the ridiculous
It’s easy to be judgmental – heaven knows I’ve made a career out of it – but I can’t remember the last time I spotted an unruly verge and thought to myself: “that’s Norfolk’s reputation done for”.
Royal Norfolk Show: Pigs, tractors and pointless free stuff
It’s the Norfolk Show this week and I’m the official Archant roving reporter gathering news in the same way I used to gather paper baseball caps, stickers and plastic bags full of tat when I visited as a child.
Mum, I got an A for my suicide note
In the week we learn that O-levels are being brought back to replace ‘easy’ GCSEs we also found out what constitutes ‘creative writing’ in current English lessons.
Let’s all help get poor ex Norwich City footballer Zak Whitbread out of extreme hardship
Former Norwich City footballer Zak Whitbread has kept his driving licence despite clocking up 17 penalty points after pleading “exceptional hardship” to magistrates.
Mutton dressed as Madonna
If I look as good as Madonna when I’m 53, I will get on stage in Istanbul and bare my nipple like she did: that’s a promise, it’s now in writing.
Will you vow to live a life of complete intolerance? I will...
It’s always lovely to see a pair of really horrific people marry before embarking on a life of bitter spite together: it means there’s two less idiots for the rest of us to mistakenly fall for.
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