May 21 2013 Latest news:
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Mrs Sting has finally laid to rest rumours that she and the former frontman of The Police spend days on end indulging in tantric sex sessions.
In a recent interview, she revealed that the interview in which Sting claimed that the couple were at it like barely-conscious half-hearted pornographers was conducted when he had been drinking heavily with Bob Geldof.
Geldof told the interviewer that he was “a three-minute man” while Sting said he could “go for hours” if not days. Every woman in the land translated this perfectly: Geldof would be available to put the bins out, Sting would be asleep in the (still dry) patch.
Trudie said: “The first I knew of it was when I read it. He had forgotten he’d said it because he was completely worse for wear. At the time, I thought it was very amusing, but then it sort of became a cause celebre. The tantric hours got extended and suddenly I was doing it all day long.”
I am now waiting for Puff Daddy to confess that his lofty claims of 30-hour tantric sex sessions were concocted after a prolonged session on the ale with Bob Geldof.
Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Sean Combs/Diddy is such a rampant egotist that I am astonished he’d even need a partner to indulge in tantric sex with: I bet he sends his left hand flowers on Valentine’s Day.
Several years ago, Puff/P/Daddy/Diddy/Didn’t-He/the Magic Dragon took the mother of his three-month-old twins to Paris for a romantic mini-break.
“As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank Champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it.”
What, literally while you were at it? Call the dictionary of clichés, there’s proof that men can multi-task after all.
The main fact I take from this anecdote is that Puff’s partner, Kim had only just given birth. To twins. I wonder if that ‘30-hour tantric sex session’ involved any consciousness on her part whatsoever – to be fair, I doubt her other half would have noticed either way.
As far as I can gather, doing it tantric style is the sexual equivalent of watching paint dry in a dark, windowless room.
Under no circumstances should it be confused with Tantrum sex (after a row), Tandem sex (on a bicycle), Tandoori sex (in an oven), Tangent sex (where you break off in the middle to do something completely different) or Tanked-up sex (generally with someone regrettable), which are all far more enjoyable.
I’m not sure about you, but anything which goes on longer than an hour or so, or over-runs EastEnders, or involves missing meals or requires the insertion of a catheter is a big no-no.
I barely have enough time in the day to go to the shops for a pint of milk, let alone spend 30 hours attempting to climb a spiritual ladder to sexual ecstasy with a bloke who sits on stools playing world music on a lute or can’t even decide what his name is.