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Monday, January 16, 2012
From the moment that a fine down appears on the top lip of pubescent boys, the ability to grow a drinkstraining moustache becomes a source of great pride.
I must report, at this point, that the ability to grow body hair isn’t hailed as an equally exciting celebration by girls, mainly because we realise that we’ll be fighting a never-ending battle with it for the rest of our days unless we’ve decided not to conform to society’s desire that we’re as smooth as an egg from the scalp down.
I don’t know many nonconformists: perhaps they are hiding themselves under a bush.
There follows an unfortunate period in most boys’ lives when they feel compelled to grow a wispy abomination on their face which advertises the fact that mum has to wash a lot of sheets every morning.
With maturity comes the realisation that no one under the age of 30 should sport a moustache and no one over 30 should sport one either, unless they are Salvador Dali, Zorro, Confucius, Groucho Marx, George Bernard Shaw, Clark Gable, Jimi Hendrix, Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck or Colonel Mustard.
The only acceptable way to wear a moustache is if you also have a beard.
Or have opted out of the sexual circus which is courtship and therefore won’t be inflicting your last meal on your paramour.
Of course there is one other exception: Movember, the hairraising, fund-raising drive to collect cash for men’s health charities which sees participating men growing moustaches for a month to raise money to support research into prostate and testicular cancer.
This is clearly a good thing, seeing as it not only raises cash for good causes, but also gives men the opportunity to release their inner Hitler, in facial hair terms at least.
Women are unable to grow bigger, or smaller, or comedy breasts for Breast Cancer Awareness month and I note that no one has suggested that we let our body hair grow luxuriantly long and flowing in a bid to raise awareness for women’s health charities.
To this note, and bearing in mind that men are basically being given a hall pass not to shave (a boyfriend once listened to me moaning about the unfairness of women’s burden – periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and so forth – and replied: “Yes, but we have to shave every day, which is really annoying”.
I almost substituted his razor for a scythe) for a whole month, I think we need to redress the balance.
As a gesture of goodwill, I am prepared to do something that makes my life easier and which I secretly want to do anyway for charity.
For example: you could sponsor me to have a massage every day, or to be carried everywhere in a sedan chair.
Let me know: I’m up for it.
PS Sponsor our sports desk, who are growing moustaches en masse for Movember (if you do, I think I can insist that at least someone grows a ‘Dali’) – visit mobro.co/sportsdesk and part with your cash.
•This article was original published on November 7, 2011