Asda Smart Price Valentines Card.

Money can’t buy you love – never has this phrase been so apt than when browsing the Valentine’s Day section at Asda.

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There, not only can money not buy you love, it probably can’t even buy you anything more than a withering glare, your worldly possessions on the drive and your marching orders.

I am not a rampant materialist. If money is too tight to mention, be inventive.

Cut your loved one’s morning toast into heart shapes. Run them a bath. Give them the Findus Crispy Pancake that hasn’t exploded in the oven. Carve their initials into your desk with a plastic set square. Reassure them that you know it’s never happened to them before and it’s OK, you can just kiss and cuddle.

Just don’t get them a 7p Valentine’s Day card featuring a heart with the Asda ‘Smart Price’ logo on the cover and the message: “My Love For You Is Priceless!” inside.

I know how it feels to be disappointed on Valentine’s Day: I was once given a spice rack and a whisk in the shape of an octopus. I was once given tickets for a cricket match. I was once given a leopardskin basque. I was once given food poisoning.

It is often said, generally by people whose wallets only open very rarely, that Valentine’s Day is over-commercialised and that true love shouldn’t be pinned down to a single day on the calendar.

As far as I’m concerned, it hasn’t been commercialised nearly enough.

If it had, I’d have something to show for it – and not just a spicy omelette, a blazing row, a trip to get a refund and a night spent with my chin propped on a toilet bowl.