July 4 2015 Latest news:
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Best “God told me to do it” of the week goes to ‘Rampant Rabbi’ (brilliant) Philip Sharp, who appeared on This Morning to reveal his addiction to wives.
There’s a nursery rhyme about a man with seven wives (involving sacks and cats) but I’m not sure there’s one about a man with six wives and a seventh that broke rank and sold her story to the Daily Mail. Maybe I’ll work on one.
God does, of course, move in mysterious ways: maybe he told the seventh wife to sell her story to the Daily Mail so that Mr Sharp could have a day off on a Sunday.
What God definitely, absolutely and incontrovertibly did say to Mr Sharp was that He wanted him to have more than one wife and verily, “like the Virgin Mary”, Mr Sharp agreed with God and entered a sponsorship deal with H Samuel.
“I heard of people having more than one wife before God said it to me and I thought it was very weird, so I understand why people think this is weird,” he said, flanked by three wives, none of whom have sold their story to the Daily Mail. Yet.
Philip explained the deal to Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford – no, there isn’t a rota system, yes he might add a few more wives to the scoresheet in the future – while Ruth revealed to the public that she’d never share Eamonn, which was a blessed relief to every other woman on Earth.
Personally, I think any criticism Philip might attract should be weighed up against the punishment he’s already brought upon his own head: six mother-in-laws, six Valentine’s Day presents, six anniversary presents… it’s the closest to hell most men could get and he’s going to need his God if there’s ever a name slip at an inappropriate moment.
While I very often think that it’d be lovely to have a wife (preferably one from the 1950s who’d completely worship me and have tea on the table when I got home from work) I think I’d draw the line at having six of them.
On another note, God told me that my editor should give me a pay rise. And that I should do whatever I want whenever I want to do it because it is His will. I’ll let you know how those two commandments work out for me.