Get ready for the Grumpympics - The REAL greatest show on earth.

Good to see the inscrutable Chinese living up to their “leputation”. Confucius he say -  If it doesn’t look like you want everyone to see it – change it. Computer generated opening ceremony – sheer genius. We have four years to get the pimply youth of this country to beat it – no worries. The cute little girl singing the opening song can’t sing? Who cares – give her a different voice.

All this got Grumpy thinking. If the Chinese can make up their own version of the Olympics why not give some of them over-intense, ego driven “athletes” something to think about. Let’s change the rules and not tell them until they arrive having spent their entire lives and half the lives of their equally driven parents preparing for their 90 seconds on TV. Here are some new rules for the Chinese to consider for the Grumpympics……

 

Beam Exercises – Hold the event between two 12 story buildings.

Swimming – stick a couple of crocodiles in the pool. More world records guaranteed.

Parallel Bars –  Super Glue. Let’s see them smug little Chinese 10 year olds tie themselves up in knots.

Long Jump – no sand, just concrete. Now keep on yer feet you wimps.

Pole Vault – Stainless Steel. Make ‘em climb up the pole before jumping over the bar.

High Jump – Gas burners under the bar and no bed to land on.

Weightlifting – use them little Chinese gymnasts on metal skewers. The one who lifts the most gymnasts, wins.

Boxing – Gloves and Padded Hats are out.

Cycling – Only 1970s Chopper Bikes allowed for all events.

Rowing - Drill holes in the boats and fill the lake with acid.

Swimming – Forget them new Speedo suits – make them wear full Gorilla suits including the heads.

Horse Riding – Make the jump off people go round the course piggy-backing Princes Anne. No wait, she’d enjoy that too much.

Discus – All competitors to use their Mum’s best plates.

Marathon – all competitors to drink eight pints of Guinness at the start.

Ladies Beach Vollyball – Leave that alone- it’s perfect, just perfect.

 

I’m sure that short list will get everyone piling in with their own ideas.