Weddings? Don't you just love them?

Weddings…..don’t you just love them, or hate them…..well actually I just HATE them. Weddings are the absolute epitome of Hell for Grumpy. I find myself with a whole list of Why? When? And Where? questions at every wedding I ever attend. The last wedding at which I starred was a dream (I slept all the way through it – no seriously, it was fine). It took place at Gretna Green and there were two guests who trebled up as witnesses and my future in-laws. No fuss, no bother. Honeymoon was a trip on the Carlisle to Settle railway, then home. All our friends and other relations received a card on the day telling them what was happening. They all cried “foul” and said we should have done it properly and locally. Secretly I’ll bet there was a huge collective sigh of relief around East Anglia when the cards dropped on the mats.

Why am I going on about weddings? We’ll you’ve probably guessed – I’m off to one on Saturday. So the Why, When, What questions will all come flooding back.

WHY, for instance, don’t they have the ceremony at 8:00am, quick “full English” and get on with our days? If the happy couple don’t work out they haven’t wasted their entire day either.

WHY is there always a “Hippy Family” at the service? Long, scruffy haired kids matching the parents and all dressed in ridiculous red knitted yak wool jumpers.

WHY is there always a little kid with spiky hair, an ear ring and a leather jacket who no one seems to own or control?

WHY do women (especially the bride’s Mum) find it necessary to wear stupid hats with things like peach coloured aerials sticking out of them?

WHY are there always two women in the same frock? With the advent of Primark and slave kids in India, make that four.

WHY, when the ceremony is over does it take so f*****g long to take the pictures?

WHY does the photographer have to take the happy couple off to find a suitable tree for them to pose with? With the advent of digital photography can’t he give them a choice of trees after the event and paste it in?

WHY do so many people find it necessary to “light up” as soon as they are out of the church?

WHY do so many bloke guests find it necessary to have their shirts outside their trousers?

WHEN will the happy couple realise that their wedding is as tedious as everyone elses? They could stop going round asking everyone if they are enjoying themselves. We all (yes, even me) will say how magical it all is – but we are lying!

WHEN will Mum’s stop taking to the dance floor swinging little kids around until they feel sick?

WHEN will someone get hold of the little boys who insist on running full tilt from one end of the dance floor to the other before flinging themselves on their knees and skidding under tables and tell them that if they do it again they will have their dicks chopped off.

WHEN will someone make the clock go faster between the dull reception and the “evening do”?

WHAT makes the Disco King think we haven’t all heard their compilation CDs of “Reception Music” they are playing instead of actually making a decision for themselves about what people might like?

WHAT makes the happy couple think we give a toss about where they are going on honeymoon? So why the big secret?

WHAT makes grown men think its remotely funny to deface and damage someone’s car just because they have just been married?

 

Anyway, I’ll go on Saturday. 1:00 it kicks off so think of me. From 1:45 until 3:00 we will be farting about with photographs. 3:00 to 4:00 we will be waiting for the happy couple to find their tree and get back to the Reception so we can be getting on with it. 4:00 to 5:00 will be milling around aimlessly. 5:00 to 6:00 will be feeding time. 6:00 to 8:00 will be waiting around for the next shift to arrive. 8:00 to 12:00 will be compilation disco and then it will be time to plan the escape.

By Sunday morning it will all be bad dream.

Please ladies, don’t be outraged – fill any right thinking man with a truth drug and ask what he thinks of weddings.

posted on 03 July 2008 20:08 by Grumpy Old Blogger

Comments

03 July 2008 20:38 by Mary's Moments

# re: Weddings? Don't you just love them?

Hope you have a lovely time,Grumpy.
04 July 2008 17:37 by BT

# re: Weddings? Don't you just love them?

Hey! I used to be a part time wedding photographer many years ago. I used to earn more on a Saturday than I did all week at work. I'm sure we were much more considerate in those days, and we were usually treated very well at the reception, and treated to food and drink just like one of the guests.

Seriously though, it was pretty simple in those days, but now people's expectations are so much higher and they are paying an absolute fortune for Wedding pictures so I suppose the photographer really has to earn his money and get it absolutly right.

I have to agree about a lot of your other points though. There was an awful smell in our car for weeks after our wedding and it was finally tracked down to a kipper in the heater.

The confetti in the brolly 2 months later in a wet car park was pretty embarrasing too.
04 July 2008 17:44 by Niecey

# re: Weddings? Don't you just love them?

A friend's daughter is getting married soon and is having bridesmaids and a bridesman!
06 July 2008 08:48 by Para Handy

# re: Weddings? Don't you just love them?

You have got to be joking Niecey, about the bridesman I mean. Give him to me, What he needs is a good keel hauling.
06 July 2008 22:34 by Niecey

# re: Weddings? Don't you just love them?

It's the truth! Grumpy you're very quiet .. maybe still on that dance floor doing Oops upside your head? :)
07 July 2008 10:08 by Grumpy Old Blogger

# re: Weddings? Don't you just love them?

OK folks - an update!
Saturday morning was raining and I feared the worst. However, by 1:00 the sun was shining occasionally and The Grumpies were prepared. Granny Grump even turned up to take pictures of us in all our finery. She was particularly chipper due, mainly, to the fact the Octogenarian Adventurer was off to the British Grand Prix on Sunday! Small boy was dressed in his suit and grumbling about having to “wear flowers” and daughter was dressed like she was ready for winter’s night out in Newcastle (wearing very little). Mrs G looked very nice and I had made the best of a bad job.
The first obstacle was the church car park. Big enough for twenty cars with over 200 guests expected. I managed to get almost the last space available only to be followed in by a very flustered lady with a car full of brats who gracefully deposited a front wheel in a very obvious ditch. Remembering the experience of getting “turned over” by the lady who ran out of petrol, I legged it, leaving more willing mugs to lift the very dirty old car out of the ditch and explain to their other halves (who had been deposited at the church) why they had managed to get filthy parking the car.
The service was as expected. Mostly drowned out by the strategically placed screamers gripped by red faced new mums who had paid good money for the new frock, hadn’t had a good day out in months and wasn’t going to miss it for anything. Photos – one hour, then off to the reception in a series of large marquees in a field behinds the Happies house.
Now I have to be very fair here and say it did look really good. There was huge marquee and a couple of smaller ones and the whole place was done out as village fete with Bowling for a Pig, Hoopla, ce Cream Man, Coconut Shy etc. The toilets were better than ours at home. We stood around for another 90 minutes while they took pictures with the old wedding car and eventually filed into the big tent. Novel idea next – speeches first then into the food. That worked well and the food was good. Next came the interminable waiting around for the “Evening” to kick off. At this point I had a brainwave. The dog, poor thing, just had to be walked. Mrs G was particularly suspicious about my sudden interest in the mutt’s welfare but I got away with it and spent a relaxing hour at home watching Dr Who returning to the wedding about 1 ½ hours after leaving to find everyone frozen in time as if the Time Lord himself had intervened. The next four hours dragged interminably my mood only lightened by the most inept and out of tune Barn Dance band I had ever heard made even more hilarious by the positioning of two tent poles right in the middle of the dance area. This was followed by what was billed as an 80’s Disco. In truth I think their roots were more in the 60’s. Their speakers were certainly from that era and the sound quality had a really nostalgic feel to it.
At Midnight I grabbed Young Grumpy and marched him off to the car telling him it was well past his bedtime and he had a football tournament the following day. This left Mrs and Miss Grumpy to be collected later but at least it started the process. By 1:30am everyone was safely at home including a young man who had attached himself to Miss G and needed a lift to his home which was in the diametrically opposite direction to Chez Grumps.
Another wedding successfully negotiated and, to be fair, I’ve been to many worse one.