And words can do so much!

I do love words. It's the way harmless-seeming letter-combinations dropped on to paper in all innocence or seriousness have the potential to explode into multiverses of delight. There's been a particularly fine crop this week.

First on to the doormat, notification of the potential re-launching of BT's residential telephony Calling Plans - no longer a plain old Option 1, from April I'm on the Unlimited Weekend Plan! Damn! Why couldn't they have done that when I was still working? My ISP meanwhile is going to launch a C-Bill platform with the aim of enhancing my customer experience with them. Very Star Wars. They'll be despatching my log-in credentials closer to the time of launch, apparently. I visualise these as a sort of heat-seeking Cadburys Flake, but this may be down to Lenten hallucinations.

I just bought a folding step-stool to enhance my spring-cleaning experience, imagine my joy on perusing the pan-European leaflet in the box to find I now have my very own KLAP TRAP! Top marks for inducing uncontrollable laughter, however, go to the Lakeland catalogue: "Do you have to de-fluff yourself before leaving the house?" They say you need their Sticki-Mitts. I think you need a word with the Tao Clinic ...

People get paid for writing this stuff. Where did I go wrong?