The Unparkables

UPDATE: 6th March.  After the crack investigative journalism of the Evening News, my scathing Blog o' social indictment below, and probably some actual work on the part of the folks of Mile Cross, the City Council has postponed their strongarming of Gresham Road. This just goes to show that social activism is alive and well and living to Norwich.  I'd also like it noted for the record that I retain full television rights to the story, which I plan to make into a moving made for TV movie of the whole incident starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Billie Piper, and featuring a soundtracak from Andy Ingham from X Factor.  It's going to be sort of the next Billy Eliot, only with less ankle warmers, and more ankle rails.

So check this out.  Apparently the City Council is going to charge the good people (I'm calling them good people, they may not all be.  Heck, one of them is a bus driver.  But they're taking courses, so he's bound to get nicer.) of Greshem Road in Mile Cross £500 to access their own driveways when they come through to fix up the road.  If they don't, the council's going to put up ankle rails so they can't access the concrete drives anymore.  The kicker?  They've got two weeks to come up with the money.  That's half the annual Council Tax bill they already pay in a fortnight.  You call it city government, I call it extortion. 

Who else gives you two weeks to come up with the money or they ankle you?  The Mafia, that's who.  Have they been given time to plan or seek alternative quotes for how much it would cost for them to lay down a 'properly constructed crossing' themselves?  No.  Pay up or no parky parky--you don't like it, tough.  I'm thinking the whole thing shakes down like this.

A Little Scene on Greshem Road
(Bob, an ordinary resident of Greshem Road, is watering his lawn when he's approached by two City Council people. Please read the City Council Members in this section with Chicago gangster accents.  It's the mise en scene of the piece.)

City Council Thug #1--That's a nice parking space you've got there.
City Council Thug #2--Yeah, real nice.
Bob: Thanks.
CC #1--Don't mention it.  You ever think about what might happen if it weren't there no more?
CC #2--Yeah.  Gone in da Night. Poof.
Bob: Seems pretty secure to me.
CC #1--We're doin' some construction in this area see?
CC #2--Big trucks.  Kerbs.  Secure footpathery.
Bob:  I see.
CC #1--I don't think you do see, Bob. I don't think you get it, pal.  I think we need some help with the building costs. £500
CC #2--Can I get a little help here?
Bob: Doesn't my council tax already pay for this, old chums? (I'm using a Briddish colloqualism here for authenticity)
CC #1--Don't yank my chain, Bobby, this is a special fee, one time deal.  To keep you from any liability.
CC #2--You don't want liability, do you Bob?
CC #1--See, you create a pothole here, or, god forbid, something happens to an underground utility line....
CC #2--God forbid.  Boom.
CC #1--That's gonna be your fault, Bob.  And you don't want that.
Bob: I don't suppose I do.  But can't I have a friend of mine, who's a builder, put in the kerbs?
CC #1--Bob, Bob, Bobby.  We're the COUNCIL.  This what we do.  We take good care of the roads.
Bob: Empirical evidence would suggest otherwise.
CC #2--Don't get smart wid him.
CC #1--Tell you what, Bobby.  I have really enjoyed our little talk, but we got a lot of these to do.  You just make sure you deliver the £500...
CC #2--In small unmarked pound coins.
CC #1--To us, so's we make sure the construction guys don't put down ankle railings all up and down here.
Bob: But won't that increase street congestion, and make it impossible for emergency vehicles to get through?
CC #2--Exactly, Bob.
CC #1--And you wouldn't want to be responsible for that.
Bob:  Why do I get the feeling that you wouldn't get away with this if it was somewhere in the Golden Triangle?
CC #2--We got a wise guy, boss.  You want I should whack him?
CC #1--Nah.  He'll pay in the end.  They'll all pay in the end.

    (City Council Thugs cackle gleefully, Bob shakes his head.  They have Bob where they have everyone else--right in the end.  He is a broken man, as shaken as Lincolnshire in a quake, as cracked as the pavements in the Larkman.)

All I can say to the residents of Mile Cross is good luck, and I'll be there to support you in the revolution.

Till next time.  --W