Grieving parents share their losses at special service

Debra Doubleday, who lost her Son Ben Chilton, lights a candle at The Matthew Project remembrance service at Norwich Cathedral for people who have lost loved ones to drugs and alcohol.

KIM BRISCOE
14 November 2009 14:00



Losing a loved one to drugs or alcohol is a tragedy made worse by the difficulties of sharing your grief. But at Norwich Cathedral, friends and relatives have been able to do just that, as Sarah Brealey reports.

When Debra Doubleday's only son died from a mixture of alcohol and drugs, she felt there was nowhere she could turn.

The stigma attached meant that she did not even talk to her family about it. But four years later, she joined 100 others who had been through the same thing at a special service at Norwich Cathedral.

Her son Ben Chilton, who lived off Philadelphia Lane, in Norwich, collapsed in 2005, three days after his 22nd birthday. He died in hospital four weeks later, without ever regaining consciousness. He had taken a mixture of alcohol and valium - the culmination of four years of drug use.

In the months before his death he suffered from psychosis, and believed people were talking to him from the television screen. His mother contacted the Matthew Project, the drugs and alcohol service based in Norwich, for help and her son did the same.

She said: “I know he did go there and he made an appointment for the day after his birthday. But he didn't keep his appointment and he died days later.”

Ben worked as a carer for people with learning difficulties and Mrs Doubleday, 51, works in the same field, and now runs a supported house in Dereham.

She said she thought her son was just going through a phase and his death was totally unexpected. “It was extremely hard. As a parent you don't know who to turn to. You hide it from your family. I didn't tell people.”

She married her husband Andrew 10 years ago and, by a tragic twist of fate, he also lost a son to drugs. Tom Doubleday, 31, of Heigham Street, Norwich, died two weeks after Andrew and Debra's wedding. He was in Norwich Prison for driving while disqualified and collapsed of dehydration three days after convicted, while detoxing from heroin - circumstances that made it all the harder for his father to deal with. Tom died in April and his family were not allowed his body until July. It took them eight weeks to be told a cause of death and seven months until the inquest.

Mr Doubleday, 66, a retired nurseryman, who lives in Cranworth, near Dereham, said: “People often say Debra is lucky to have you, because you understand. You cannot really put yourself in another person's shoes. I had three other sons; Debra only had one child. I have never, ever said to her 'I know exactly how you feel'. We support each other.”

When his wife's son died, Mr Doubleday made his coffin himself and dug his grave.

He said: “If I had lost a son in Afghanistan, fighting for his country, I would be delighted. At least he would have achieved something. This is just such a waste. They had bright futures, both of them.”

Mrs Doubleday also attended the service of remembrance last year and said: “It brings comfort to people. Drugs have such a taboo. There is common ground, you share the same grief. I should imagine there are a lot of people that, like myself, don't know where to turn.

“It is like a healing. To hold a service for those who have died in the cathedral is just wonderful. It is like they haven't been forgotten.”

She now works as a volunteer for the Matthew Project in an effort “to turn a negative into a positive”. She says: “We have come through it and we are still coming through it. It doesn't get any easier.”

To contact the Matthew Project call 01603 764754 or visit www.matthewproject.org.

Do you want to pay tribute to a lost loved one? Call us on 01603 772485 or email sarah.brealey@archant.co.uk.



Heads were bowed and a few tears fell in a congregation brought together by a shared loss.

Some were old, some young, many in late middle age, having endured that most unnatural of losses - the loss of a child. The service of remembrance for drug and alcohol victims was a chance to share and meet others who had been through similar losses.

Around 100 people attended the service at Norwich Cathedral on Thursday night, organised by the Matthew Project. It included a reading from Revelations by greater Norfolk coroner William Armstrong, and music from the Catton community choir.

In his address, the Rt Rev Graham James, the Bishop of Norwich, said that Jesus said that those who mourn are blessed by God. He said: “Most of us find meaning in our lives through relationships with others and when friends and loved ones die, it leaves a hole in our lives. We can feel we are being torn apart. We are being dismembered and that is why we remember, to be put back together again.”

He gave the example of a teenage girl who felt lonely in her first term at university and was drawn into drugs by new friends. He said: “Her mother committed suicide before she herself died. She was an only child. The father grieved for the loss of his wife, the loss of his daughter, his hopes for the future and the next generation. Somehow he held on to a flickering faith and came to see the power of love was stronger than the power of death. He hadn't ceased to be able to love his wife.”

He said it was a real story which reminded us “of the fine line between ordinary life and a very chaotic life”, and which illustrated that these were real people, not faceless categories called “drug addicts” or “alcoholics”. “We are not here because of categories, we are here because of human beings,” he said.

Julian Bryant, director of the Matthew Project, said: “We remember the lives of those special people who touched us so much; we remember the laughter, the joy, the times we spent together, we remember the good and that is always mixed up with pain. Every life is special.”

He invited all of those present to place a pebble in front of the altar, saying: “We place them closer to the light and warmth of our love and the care of God.”

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